GRIEF (Part 2)

PART 2: WHAT TO GRIEVE/ HOW TO GRIEVE

By Crystal King

“Trauma, in some ways, is the resistance to grief. Genuine grieving is the opposite of trauma.” 

-Gabor Mate

WHAT TO GRIEVE

In a word: LOSS.

If we’ve ever experienced devastating loss, we NEED to grieve. Without grief, we are certain to grow weary with bitterness, misplaced anger, and display “level 10” reactions to “level 3” situations. This is because the energy of loss contains a magnitude to it that does not just dissolve into nothingness. We have to find ways to metabolize it. Our own reactions and sense of aliveness, or lack thereof, will let us know what qualifies as a loss. While everyone defines loss based on their unique perspective, the categories below contain some of the universal losses that cause our hearts to tear in two.

-Loss of love

-Loss of trust

-Loss of dignity

-Loss of dreams

-Loss of goodness

-Loss of innocence

-Loss of the cherished

-Loss of the way it was

-Loss of what never was

-Loss of what will never be

If we are asleep and numb to our losses, we must put a mirror up to our story to really see their impact. It IS there. Notice the mirror image below. Which losses apply to your story?

-Loss of what will never be

-Loss of what never was

-Loss of the way it was

-Loss of the cherished

-Loss of innocence

-Loss of goodness

-Loss of dreams

-Loss of dignity

-Loss of trust

-Loss of love

SECONDARY LOSS

Along with the initial loss, which throws us into our grief, secondary losses can feel just as acute. The secondary losses are the cascading domino effect that the initial loss is tied to. For example, if you lose a relationship, it may be tied to 20 other relationships that now look different. It may be tied to hundreds of future events that will now never happen. For example, no children will mean no grandchildren, and no grandchildren will mean no great grandchildren. One loss is never just one loss. Each loss is tied to many losses that impact the future events of our lives. Loss is change. Transition. A change in what we expected, a change in what we hoped for, a change in our reality.

In addition, even the changes that we choose and want can have losses attached to them. It is important that we celebrate the positive changes in our lives without ignoring or minimizing the impact of the losses attached to those changes.  Ignoring the loss can impede our ability to enjoy the delights. Also, lets keep in mind that some losses can also make possible an outcome of beauty that exceeds our expectations.

WHAT DOES GRIEF LOOK LIKE IN THE BODY

First, the body will give a signal. Tears. Shaking. Possibly anger. Perhaps a stomach ache. Grief that has been hidden a long time is more covert though. We will not be able to track the signs in our body instantly. They are there though. A simple conversation with a friend can veer into a topic that reminds us of this unprocessed grief. We are suddenly angry. It does not register that under that anger is pain and sorrow. The anger is a way to externalize those tender, painful feelings. Or we internalize them. Being angry at my friend might not feel like a safe or wanted avenue; instead, I turn my anger inward, and I feel something tight in my chest. It’s suddenly heavy, so I switch subjects, change the theme and distract myself. I don’t push into that tightness. But if I did, I would find that tightness is a reservoir of energy that must get metabolized by my body and worked through.

The heavy energy from the grief in our body will dissipate with grief work and the thick mud we are trudging through will thin out. The exhaustion of entering our grief will be big. But, we must experience this exhaustion to regain our energy.

HOW TO GRIEVE IN THE BODY

Grief is not just mental or emotional. It is physical. Because we are all so different, we process grief differently. The key is processing grief rather than bypassing it. True grieving is a balancer. Grieving is the means by which we bring our bodies back into balance after loss. Our loss deeply upsets the balance within. It is supposed to. What happened was not right. It was not just. It was not okay.  It brings unbalance and forces extremes. Bringing balance again often means moving toward the uncomfortable. When we are people of extremes, we vacillate between rigidity and chaos. But grieving centers us, so HOW do we grieve WELL?

GRIEVING IDEAS WHEN STILLNESS IS NEEDED FOR BALANCE

On one end of the spectrum, in order to grieve well, some of us need to slow our body down and feel our emotions. We have been running a million directions at a frenzied pace. This can keep our grief at bay, but it does nothing for processing it, so eventually it will catch up with us. Kicking the can down the road only creates more cuts and scratches in it. Slowing down the body to grieve can look like the following:

• Journaling

Journaling our narrative experience, whether through story telling or poetry, connects the left and right hemispheres of the brain. This is very needed because it connects our emotional/felt experience of the right hemisphere of our brain to our verbal/logical left hemisphere. Having language for what we are currently experiencing in our body settles the nervous system because it brings balance and integration to the mind. Journaling includes thoughts: dark thoughts, hopeful thoughts, and everything in between. In addition, using a feelings chart can aid us in selecting and naming the top two or three feelings we have been blocking out. Describe what the feeling does in the body. What does it feel like somatically? Describe this feeling with metaphors and tune in to where the heaviness sits in the body. This awareness allows the body to let go, and we then move from fragmentation and disconnection of mind and body, to a calmer, connected state of mind.

• Conversing with a trusted friend

Similar to journaling, we are telling our story when we share it with a friend. The difference here is we are sharing it out loud. This brings the added benefit of “feeling felt” in our pain. If our friend can mirror our grief, we are not alone in it. Unfortunately many friends will try to “fix” our pain rather than feel it with us. We must find friends brave enough to sit in the discomfort with us. Someone not afraid to face what our grief will bring up in themselves. Allowing this discomfort may not initially feel like it is helping; however, just like a weighty workout hurts at first and benefits later, acknowledging the weight of our sorrow hurts in the moment but unblocks the stuck emotion, causing a number of benefits to the body and mind.

• Staring at a sunrise

Gazing upon art is itself inspiring and healing. It reminds us of the beauty that still exists in the world. That beauty itself can bring us to tears as it contrasts with the darker parts of our sorrow. Allow the beauty of the sky to open up the places of pain.

• Painting/Art work

Engaging in art is a powerful way to metabolize our grief. Whether sketching, pottery, building, painting, gardening, or crafting, creating brings movement to the shattered and hopeless heaviness within.

• Connect to someone else’s story

This can be done by joining a grief group, connecting to a storyline from a TV show, a movie, a book, or a podcast. Have you ever noticed that a show or a movie can have you in tears? Let it. It may be tapping into something you feel deeply and have not had a chance to give expression to yet. Connecting to someone else’s story, can help us feel our own and also expand our focus beyond our personal grief.

• Listening to music

Music is an extremely helpful way we can process grief. Sometimes the lyrics put words to the exact emotions we are feeling. It’s an opportunity to give a name to the heavy or conflicting thoughts and feelings. When something has a name, it starts to calm. We must, “name it to tame it” as Dr. Dan Siegel would say. Other times, the rhythm itself matches the cadence of our grief. Just hearing a beat that aligns with our emotional state can soothe and comfort the soul.

GRIEVING IDEAS WHEN MOVEMENT IS NEEDED FOR BALANCE

On the opposite end of the spectrum are those of us who are stuck in inertia. We have been sitting and ruminating on our loss over and over again, replaying every angle in our head. We are not avoiding our loss; rather, we are stuck in it, bogged down by it. When stuck in inertia, we need to move our body to bring balance. When apathy sets in, the desired effect often comes when we are willing to engage in the opposite of the inner pull. We have numbed out and must wake up to our grief to find equilibrium again.

Other times, we may actively feel the energy of grief in our body with such intensity that if we don’t move, we feel we will explode. Movement is needed in this scenario as well.

• Dance

Many tribal cultures have long understood the benefit of dance to connect the body, mind, and emotions. The rituals of using dance to grieve, give the body a place to channel the intense surges that inevitably come with deep anguish. These surges have often been the catalyst for abuse or violence upon the self or others, but they do not have to be. Whether it’s swing, contemporary, country, or ribbon dancing, honing in on dedicated movement to express the entrapped sorrow, has been shown to have tremendous results. Moving with music and the energy within, our bodies can find balance and alignment.

• Sports

Similar to dance, sports can bring a much needed outlet for the built up energy from the pain. Not only this, but sports often involve a team aspect. Working toward a common goal with others can move us through our inertia in powerful ways.

• Yoga

This practice can incorporate the breathing that the nervous system needs to calm and rest and enter into the deeper realm. As the body moves through the designated motions, a reset is taking place. Each movement is pulling us beyond the lethargy, inactivity, and weariness.

• Hiking/Walking

The bilateral stimulation our brain gets while on a walk is similar to therapy or journaling. Getting out in nature is incredible for bringing balance back to the body. Taking in the sights, sounds, smells, and feel of a forest or an ocean breeze can reset the narrow focus that pain causes and bring us into context of the larger world around us.

PITFALLS TO SUPPORTING OTHERS IN GRIEF

Two of the most common pitfalls seen when trying to support others with their grief lie on opposite ends of a continuum. As with any continuum of extremes, the closer we are to center, the better chance we have of bringing balance and helping our friends find solace in our presence.

Pitfall One: Bypassing our friend’s pain

Some of us handle loss by quickly ascribing to the “change your mindset, change your life” perspective. When this mindset is done to bypass grief work, it cannot bring the intended outcome. When we want our friends to be “done” being sad, we often fall into this pitfall and try to push them out of their sadness too quickly. While a mindset shift is often a crucial part of the equation toward wellness, true grieving should not be viewed as unwellness. True grieving is a healthy response to pain. The sadness is there for a reason. Balance cannot come by forcing it out. We all need someone brave enough to sit with us in sadness.

In some religious circles, I have seen incredible support for grieving, but I have also heard many well-intended people try to spiritually bypass their grief rather than seeing grief as the gift God gave us to move through the pain. When we throw a scripture at the pain or try to ease another’s suffering with a quick platitude about God’s plan and goodness, we can stop a person’s grieving process. When we do this, it is often because we are unable to sit in the discomfort of the pain with our friend. We cannot withstand the dysregulation which feeling another’s pain brings us. It reminds us too much of the pain we are avoiding within ourselves.

Pitfall Two: Affirming our friends’ victim mentality

At the opposite end, we may notice that our friends are indulging in their sorrow to the point it becomes self-pity. We can see they are living in victimhood-ville. Rather than facing and feeling their pain so they can live in reality, they are fueling their pain with false narratives. Living in victimville with them is no more helpful than ignoring their pain.

When we notice our friends living in the extremes of either wallowing in their pain or completely ignoring their pain, going along with those extremes will not support them in metabolizing their sorrow.

HOW DO WE SUPPORT OTHERS IN GRIEF

Practice Presence. When we are able to be present to our own emotion, we can be present for others. If we are willing to engage in our own grief, the grief of others will not scare us. We will have already experienced grief’s benefits, so we will have an inner confidence that moving with our loved one into their grief will not drown them; rather it will be the lifejacket they need to exist in these heavy waters. “The pain of avoidance is much more suffocating and painful than the pain of working through it” (Julia DiGangi). When we help our friends avoid their pain, we are suffocating them. Instead, letting them feel their pain in our presence can be the very oxygen mask they need. It makes them feel SEEN.

Being a support to others in their grief means we are not trying to distract or keep them far away from their grief. We let them press into it with us because we know the truth of these words by Julia DiGangi: “Our work is not to avoid pain. That is like trying to find a place to live where there just is no gravity. Our work is to say, ‘In a life that promises pain, what is the more powerful pain? What is the pain that strengthens and empowers me?” Allowing our friends to grieve is allowing them to feel the pain that strengthens and empowers and brings balance to them. When we don’t allow for this, we are denying reality. The reality is they will have pain. We all do. When we are safe enough people that our friends can feel their pain with us, they will not have to avoid it, and add to their suffering.  I’ve heard it said, “He who avoids suffering, suffers most.” This is often attributed to Michel de Montaigne who also says, "He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears." All in all, how do we support others in their grief? We do what we can to communicate that it is safe to suffer in our presence and we can withstand being in the tunnel of grief with them. Then we leave it up to them to decide to join us in that tunnel.

Taking Time to Grieve

I would like to remind anyone ready to do grief work that while allowing grief to come when needed is a lifestyle practice, it is not something we should stay in constantly. Let it come when it needs to come and notice it, engage with it. Dedicate time to it. But we do not need to stay in it. Take breaks. Grieving is hard work. We don’t stay at the gym for 24 hours when building muscle. We dedicate a moment in our week to it, and the rest of the week, we take a break and do other activities. The same goes for intense grief. Take breaks from it. Move toward lighthearted activities in the midst of it. Move in and out of it. We must be careful with and walk gently through this dark cave, moving into the lighter things periodically so as not to overwhelm ourselves.

We will not reach a day when the world is perfect and suffering is non-existent, so we cannot expect to reach a point where grief is never again needed.

YES, there is a cost to grieving. Yes, it will take much time and a ton of your energy. And then, it will give you back your energy, your heart, your life.

Because of the intense nature of grief work, please contact a therapist when you are ready to embark on the journey because….“So much of the journey of life is learning how to look pain in the eye and just make something better of it.” –Ian Cron

The sooner you start this journey for yourself, the sooner you will be a safe container for other’s to share their grief with as well.

Recommended reading for anyone wanting to look deep into their pain:

Healing Through the Dark Emotions by Miriam Greenspan (Psychological in nature)

A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser (Spiritual in nature)

A Grief Observed by CS Lewis (Theological/Spiritual in nature)